Trust Me, I've Tried
by kel18
Summary: James has tried, Merlin knows he has. But this time, it might not be enough. A one-shot from James POV about trying to give up. J/L


I've tried. Merlin knows that I've tried. Tried to be different. Tried to be who I'm not. Tried to be all those things that I could or can never be, in hopes that one day I will get the right combination. The right mixture of whom I am, and who she wants me to be. Of who she wants.

Now that I know that it doesn't work, that I can't do it anymore, that maybe we weren't supposed to be the dream couple that I thought we should have been, I'm going to let her go. I'm going to let her be her own person, without me around. Without me around to bother her anymore.

She doesn't need me like I need her. She doesn't need to see my face everyday to be happy. She doesn't need me to laugh, putting a smile on my face, for her to feel joy. She doesn't cry when I cry.

She's her own person, her own separate person, far away from who I am. I guess time can't change everything. Time can't bridge the gap between us, the gap between our two completely different personalities. Time can't fix all the things I've done that make her hate me.

The fact that I hate her best friend doesn't help. Merlin knows I've tried there to, and I don't think Snape and I could ever be friends. Partially, because he knows that it's one of the things standing in the way between me and her. She has to know that I won't change my morals, the principles on which I formed my life, to be friends with someone who doesn't want to be.

Maybe I should take that advice with her, too. If she doesn't want me around, then fine, I won't be. If she doesn't even want to try to get to know me the way that I have tried to get to know her, then fine. She never will. She will never know what I really think. She'll never know that there is more to me than pranks and rule-breaking. She'll never know that underneath this calm exterior is someone who loves and is caring and loyal, who exemplifies who a true Gryffindor is. Who would trade anything to save someone they loved, even their own life.

She'll never know that I love her. She'll never know that everything about my life brightens when hers does. And it hurts me, tearing up my heart a little further, when I realize that she might not even care. She probably doesn't care that she is what I think about more than anything else. And I've tried. I've tried to make her care, to make her see that I care. And it hurts me even more, that she probably never will.

She cares about things. She isn't someone that is selfish. Not even close. She's one of the most caring people I have ever known, and probably ever will know. She would die to save her friends and family, even old Severus Snape, which even I can't fathom. The fact that she can care about someone who is as selfish as Snape, makes her even more incredible in my eyes. The fact that her care can spread to almost anyone she knows makes me wonder if she really is the one for me.

Because I am the exception. I'm the exception to every rule that she has made in her head. She is open with everyone she meets, giving them all a fair chance. How else would she have gotten to know Snape enough to call him one of her best friends? But she has never truly talked to me. I've opened up to her on countless occasions, probably causing her to close off her mind. Never once has she ever told me something that no one else knows about her, never once has she ever even confided in me, or given me a chance to show that I am more than she thinks that I am.

Like I've said, I've tried.

She surrounds herself with people up to her caliber in the areas of the mind. Not that she is stand-offish in anyway to people who aren't, she just enjoys intelligent conversation. Never would you see her talking for hours about her hair, though I think that I could. How do I know this?

Simple observation.

Anyone could have noticed these things about her. The way that she plays with her hair when she is bored or nervous, wrapping it around her index finger. The way that she bites her lip when she's trying to concentrate. The way that when anyone talks to her, her eyes alight with surprise as if they are asking "Do you really want to talk to me?"

Except when I talk to her. Like I said, I'm the exception. The one person that would give anything to really talk to her. When I ask her a simple question, however innocent it might be, she instantly turns that interested glance into a glare, snapping at me before I even get to show her the real me.

And to be honest, I'm really tired of it. Tired of having to be the only person who has to change to even be noticed by her. Doesn't she understand half of the reason, notice I say half, I did all of the things I did, the pranks, the fights, they were all so that maybe she would notice me?

I would rather that she yell at me everyday, than blatantly ignore me, which has become her new fashion. Now, the glare has slowly been turning into silence, no acknowledgement whatsoever. And I've tried to ignore this to, filling my head with delusional fantasies that maybe she is realizing that I've been right all this time, that we are perfect for each other as we both are, no changes necessary.

But I've got to stop kidding myself. I tried to stop kidding myself. I've tried getting over the beautiful girl that never glances my way anymore, that doesn't even look at me in the Great Hall, that hasn't uttered my name in the last two months.

That didn't even notice when I had someone else.

She was pretty, not beautiful. She was smart, not brilliant. She was funny, not witty. She was mine, not someone else's. She was Emma Vance, not Lily Evans.

The whole time I was trying so hard to force myself out of love with Lily and into love with Emma. And I kid myself thinking I had succeeded. How could I not have? I would constantly be comparing the two, even when I tried to force Lily out of my mind altogether. I thought I had done it. I truly liked Emma. We would hold hands, kiss, and embrace, as two people in love did. I could be myself around her. I could be who I truly was, not an imitation to make her love me. And she loved me for it. She loved everything that Lily had never gotten to know about me. She loved everything that Lily had never wanted. I convinced myself I loved her.

But I didn't. I couldn't do it again; I couldn't fall in love with a different girl. But I most definitely couldn't admit that I was in love with Lily Evans again. I fell into a limbo between the two. I broke it off with Emma. She deserved more than what I was giving her, which was part of my heart. A great girl deserves my whole heart. At least that's how I justified it to myself. Not admitting that Lily already had the whole thing.

So here I sit, unable to convince myself, lie to myself, that I don't love her. Believe me, I've tried. For the same reason, I can't convince myself that I do. Because isn't love supposed to be both ways? If I truly loved her, shouldn't she be able to say "I Love You" right back? Don't I deserve it after all I've been through for one girl?

Maybe I try to convince myself that I don't love her because she doesn't want my love. I do love her enough to not be in love with her if that's what she wants. Maybe it means that I don't love her enough to not want to be with her.

Or maybe we are supposed to be together, and fate won't let me give up. Merlin, I wish it would. I wish it would let me go on with my life; let me love a great girl like Emma. But, it just won't let me. I've tried to tell myself that there is no fate, that I am just hopelessly in love with a girl who will never feel the same.

Maybe that is my fate; to die alone, still pining for the girl that I love. Is it because I screwed up? Because I was stupid when I was younger? Because I didn't make her realize sooner, before all her prejudices about me popped into her head?

Or maybe I'm just crazy, crazy in believing in soul mates, in believing that there is someone out there for everyone. Maybe Lily gets two soul mates and all these years I've been fighting for her against someone ten years in the future, someone she might not have even met yet. Maybe he won't make the same mistakes that I did.

Maybe he deserves her.

I've tried to stop thinking of all these things, to get her out of my mind and out of my life. Half the time, I wish I wasn't in love with her and the other half of the time, I can't imagine not being in love with her. Because a world without Lily, is not a world worth living in.

I've tried living there, and I can't do it. I guess I'll just have to try a little bit harder, try until every part of me can't fight anymore.

I just wish that she would try too.


End file.
